Annoying Shit Customers Say, Vol. 2
The levels of self-absorbed cluelessness never cease to amaze
Volume 1 of this ongoing series was one of my top-performing blog posts of all time! Thanks for reading, gang, and don’t forget to smash that subscribe button.
Ok, let’s get right into it. Short and sweet today.
“By any chance, do you….?” I realize this is just a turn of phrase people use, but it really rubs me the wrong way. By any chance, do I have a water cup, a napkin, a bathroom, hand sanitizer, directions to the nearest ATM, a straw, a fork, a recommendation for great Szechuan nearby? Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes. I’ve got you.
But it’s not “by chance”, friend. We’ve worked hard here, put together whole systems with checklists and everything to ensure we have what you might need to enjoy your experience with us. We’ve got it right here, handy, ready to go. Hand-selected. Fully stocked. Don’t attempt to minimize this act of care, hospitality, and service by making it sound like it just came about “by chance”. That diminishes what we do here.
“Do you happen to have a…..?” Same as above. Yes, we have it. Not due to mere happenstance, however. We game-planned this shit! Know that. I rejected 6 lesser straws before settling on the spec we use because it’s a thick enough straw to easily suck our shakes through. Because we care deeply about our food, the experience, and about you.
We want to share the good stuff with you. Every little detail is chosen purposefully and maintained diligently. We are constantly searching to improve and striving to maintain our standards. This isn’t stuff that just “happens” “by chance”. We do this for a living.
Asking for something totally normal as if you’re the first customer to ever think of asking for that. This one makes me giggle more than annoys me, it’s just so silly. Folks will come up to the front and kind of nervously ask for something that any restaurant anywhere would be expected to have (napkin, fork, water cup, bathroom).
They’ll unnecessarily describe the situation as if to justify or even apologize for making what is a completely reasonable request. Often combined with a rudamentary pantomime of the item they’re asking for.
So it’ll go like this: “Hi. omg your fries are so good! I’m sooo thirsty though, do you guys have a WAT-TER CUP.P (overly enunciated as if it’s a foreign or novel phrase with which staff may not be familiar, along with hand gestures mimicking drinking or making the vague shape of a water cup with their hands)??” I just wait until they’re done, smiling, then point to the water cups or napkins or whatever it is they think they just invented.
“Sneaking past” when you come in just to use the bathroom. Y’all are so funny. We see you! It’s fine, you can use the bathroom. You don’t have to sneak around like cartoon jewel thief. Just be straightforward and ask! This has undertones of the above entry, in that folks think we haven’t seen this one before; that they’re the first ones to ever try and pull this caper.
It’s always on the nights where there are free concerts on the square out front, or something else that brings lot of people into the area. We’re aware of what’s happening, people. For a while, when I would see someone attempt this move I would stop what I was doing, conspicuously yell across the room at them and make a whole scene. “Hi! can I help you? Oh, you need to USE THE BATHROOM? Sure! THAT WAY!”
After a while that stopped being entertaining, so I when would read the body language and see it happening, I started to just kind of nod my head towards the back and mouth “bathroom?” Relax. It’s fine! You’re not avoiding notice. If you’re polite and ask, we’ll say yes and then you won’t have to skulk sideways along the baseboards like an alley cat.
Customers who make super-indulgent upgrades and then complain about the price.
Me: “Hi! What can I get you?”
Cust: “I’ll take a burger…”
Me: “A single? Ok, sure…you want cheese?”
Cust: “Make it a triple, actually. Extra cheese! Two kinds of cheese, cheddar and swiss. Add bacon, oh, and jalapenos! Can you toast the bun extra. Extra bacon! Add mayo. Can I get a fried egg too?”Me: “Wow, sure. You got it. [punching it all in]. That’ll be $18 plus tax.”
Cust: “Whaaaaat? Twenty bucks for a burger?! That’s crazy, you guys are trippin’!”
1 and 2 are customers putting up their very best ‘Midwest nice.’ We’re geographically predisposed to believe that we’d rather die than potentially inconvenience someone by asking for even the simplest of things.
It makes no sense, but we can’t help it. 😂